Chaplaincy Joke Book

Updated: Mar 24, 2020

They say that laughter is the best medicine, so I have compiled this joke book using some input from the Cahors congregations and from the internet. I intend it to be a weekly thing published on Mondays while we are confined. So I ask for input from the whole Chaplaincy on an ongoing basis, old chestnuts are allowed as many of us will probably have forgotten them. Send them to

Above is a slide show of cartoons. Many of the 'Peanuts' ones are not actually jokes but should make you smile. Below are short jokes. I hope these raise your spirits.

The government is advising that we should cough or sneeze into the crook of our arm. The public immediately rushed out and bought toilet rolls . This proves that most people don't know their ass from their elbow !!

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? It’s two gross.

What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings? Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.

I got a package in the post last week, and on it it said, ‘Please don’t bend.’ So how was I supposed to pick it up?

Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.

I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles, she said 'hardback?' and I was like, 'yeah and little heads

I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon, but it never really took off.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is.

I don’t trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say ‘press’, but if you press those badges they just fall over all surprised.

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