Welcome to the third edition of the Chaplaincy Joke Book. I hope the sunny weather has helped to lift your spirits and these jokes also help to do so. Above are the cartoons, many of which Martin Milnes received from a friend in Paris. Martin has been good enough to provide translations, if like me, your French is not that good.
Below are the written jokes. George Scott who was a member of the Cahors congregation before his return to England, though is still a regular visitor, as he has a house here. He has always been a fund of jokes and many below come from a joke book he made for his parish back in England.
Clive Billenness has also provided lots of puns that have been passed on to him. There are only so many puns one can take at a time, so I'm spreading them out over this edition and the next.
There are also three videos.
Thank you to all those who have tributed and it has meant I haven't had to scour the internet this time. Please keep them coming for future editions.
An old lady was becoming increasingly frail and the vicar decided to make a pastoral visit. In the course of conversation, he asked, “Tell me, my dear, do you believe in the hereafter?” “Oh yes vicar” she replied firmly “ I often go upstairs, and when I get there, I think “ Now what have I come up here after?”
What kind of cheese do you use to hide a small horse ? Mascarpone
A guy drove past in his car and threw a lump of cheddar at me. I thought 'that's mature'
What do you call a cheese which isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
What does the cheese say to itself in the mirror? Halloumi
There was a village where one of the villagers was absolutely mad about cricket. As soon as he was old enough he became a member of the village youth team and as he got older, he became a stalwart of the club’s First XI.As he moved towards middle age, however, he became a little concerned about the future. One Sunday, after morning service, he asked the vicar if there was cricket in Heaven.! I really don’t know” replied the vicar “ but I will include it in my prayer list for the coming week”The following Sunday , the vicar beckoned the cricketer over to him. “ You will be delighted to know, he said, “My prayers have been answered and there is cricket in Heaven” “Geat news “ said the cricketer ’’that has really made my day”“There is just one other thing that I have found out”, continued the vicar, “You are down to open the batting next Saturday!”
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.“You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,” said the minister.“I know,” said the man. “If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”
A true one from an Irish Parish Magazine: “On St Patrick's Day there will be a procession in the afternoon in the grounds of the monastery. If it is wet, it will be held in the morning”
Another true one courtesy of Radio 4.At the recent funeral of a prominent Leeds butcher, the organist was asked to play Bach’s “ Sheep may safely graze”.
"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito."the Dalai Lama
I've just sold all my Dusty Springfield CD's.Now I just don't know what to do with my shelf.
Today I ate a clock. It was very time consuming.
The insomniac : an agnostic, dyslexic who lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
The teacher asked the class to draw a picture of Jesus in the manger. She looked at them all and said how good they all were, but asked Emily, “ Where is the baby Jesus?” “That’s the egg that I’ve drawn in the manger,” said Emily. “What egg?” asked the teacher. “The egg that Jesus came in “ replied Emily. “You told us that Mary laid him in a manger”.
A number of theologians met to discuss the ethnicity of Jesus. They agreed unanimously that he was Jewish - but only on his mother’s side.
“God, with a puzzled and worried expression, is gazing at the globe, held in one hand. At his shoulder is a cherub who says "Have you tried turning it off and turning it on again?"
Editor's Note. In computing circles the joke goes "Any one can have a foul up, but you need to use a computer to have a complete foul up".
Two women were discussing whether the Nativity Story , as related in the Gospels were literally true. One was sceptical “ Look” she said “ I can cope with the virgin birth, but THREE wise men?”
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanists eat?
John Arlott was once commentating on the Ashes Test Match when England were being hit all over the ground. (Nothing new there then) He thought for a moment, then came out with: “ The English bowlers are like the lilies of the field. They toil not, neither do they spin”.
From my dictionary:
BIGAMY: Having one wife too many.
MONOGAMY: See “ Bigamy”.