This is the final edition of the Joke Book. We are now a week away from the easing of restrictions, so it is time to start on the road back to a normal life, even if we will still have to wait for some time until we are able to meet again in worship. Let us be thankful that we are in an area where we are blessed with a low level of infection, even as we remember those who are not so fortunate. So be of good cheer and spread some sunshine when you go out. In the meantime, enjoy the jokes.
This a bit of a bumper edition as I'm using the last of the contributions from Clive Billeness, Martin Milnes and George Scott. A big thank you to all those who have contributed over the last few weeks. This is the usual format with visual jokes above and written jokes below with one video. Nick Rigby-Jones
Did you see the flock of sheep falling down the hill? It was a lamb slide!
A bloke just drove past me in a combine harvester shouting "The end is nigh!"I think it was Farmer Geddon !
I relabeled all the bottles in my wife's spice rack.I'm not in trouble yet. But the thyme is cumin.
A tanker filled with Vicks Vaporung turned over on the motorway last nightThere was no congestion for 8 hours
A Yorkshireman goes to a jeweller's and asks"Can thee make a gold statue o'me whippet"The Jeweller asks "Do you want it 18 carat"The man replies "Nay, lad, chewin' a bone'll do fine"
Which one of King Arthur’s knights built the round table? Sir Cumference
Natalia and her boyfriend Rudolph were on the train from Moscow to Vladivostok, a trip that would take them three days to complete. At dinner on the first evening he said to Natalia, “It will be raining when we reach Vladivostok.” Natalia nodded her head and accepted this pronouncement , but secretly was thinking, “Da, so you think you are some kind of psychic!” Each evening he made the same statement and sure enough when they got to Vladivostok it was chucking it down. “How did you know?” she asked in amazement? He replied (and let’s all remember this is a dad jokes group), “Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.”
A vicar an Immam and a rabbit went into a blood bank. The rabbit said "I think I'm a type O
‘Lockdown lingo’_ - are you fully conversant with the new terminology? Here are a few terms to get you in the groove:
The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You’re loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is “an emotional coronacoaster”. *Quarantinis*
Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. Southern Comfort and Ribena quarantini with a glacé cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at “locktail hour”, ie. wine o’clock during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.
*Blue Skype thinking*
A work brainstorming session which takes place over a videoconferencing app. Such meetings might also be termed a “Zoomposium”. Naturally, they are to be avoided if at all possible.
*Le Creuset wrist*
It’s the new “avocado hand” - an aching arm after taking one’s best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly ‘Clap For Carers.’ It might be heavy but you’re keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.
As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as “Generation C” or, more spookily, “Children of the Quarn”.
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as “bored-eaux” or “cabernet tedium”.
*Coronadose*An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a “panicdemic.
*The elephant in the Zoom*
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.
An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they’re convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.
One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display “covidiocy” or be “covidiotic”. Also called a “lockclown”.
The sudden fear that you’ve consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king’s.
Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.
Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror. *Mask-ara*
Extra make-up applied to "make one's eyes pop" before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.
*Covid-10*The 10lbs in weight that we’re all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as “fattening the curve”
.…and finally, finally: One sentence to sum up 2020, so far: At one point this week, 1 loo roll was worth more than a barrel of crude oil!”
One winter morning a woman texted her husband who was at work. ' 'Windows frozen. What do I do?" He texted back: "Pour warm water over" Five minutes later she texted back again: "Have poured warm water over ,but computer now not working at all"
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police, The officer in charge looked at the photo she had given him, took down all the necessary details and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.."Yes " she replied " Tell him that mother didn't come after all"
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave, While there, I noticed four grave diggers walking around with a coffin. Three hours later, they were still there, and I thought to myself , They've lost the plot".
One wise man said to the other two:" Do you think anyone would mind if we delay going to Bethlehem until after the World Cup?"
A man's credit card was stolen, but he didn't report it as the thief was spending less then his wife.
Four men and a woman, all catholic, are drinking coffee in St Peter's Square in Rome. The first man says to his friends, " My son is a priest, He is always called Father," The second man murmurs, "My son is a bishop. Wherever he goes he is called "Monsignor" The third man proudly says, "My son is a cardinal. When he goes into a room, everybody bows and says "Your Eminence".The fourth man asserts , "My son is the Pope. When he enters a room everybody bows and calls him "Your Holiness".The catholic woman stirs her coffee in silence.The four men ask her, with some irony, "What about you?”She replies, with a shrewd smile, " I have a daughter, slim, tall blond - vital statistics When she goes ANYWHERE all the men say "My God".
All choral societies should sing the popular oratorios in costume, except, perhaps," The Creation"
There is nothing wrong with nepotism, as long as you keep jt in the family.
He who laughs last is a bit slow on the uptake.
An Indian chief had three wives, Two slept on ordinary buffalo hides, but the third, his favourite was allowed to sleep on a hippopotamus hide. Over the years his favourite wife bore him four children, while the other two bore him two children each,This of course, demonstrates Pythagoras' theorem perfectly—"That the squaw on the hippopotamus hide, is equal to the sum of the two squaws on the other two hides"
A Midlands vicar has called his Sat Nav "Grace", because he says "Tis Grace has bought me safe thus far, And Grace will lead me home"
Why does a bag-piper move about while he is playing? It's harder to hit a moving target!
A VIP was being conducted around a newly opened hospital. The party reached a ward set slightly apart from the others. The VIP spoke to the first patient:"And how are you today?" he asked, The patient replied :' We'll take a cup of kindness for Auld Lang Syne!"The VIP, slightly disconcerted, moved on to the next patient,"And how are you today?" he asked, The patient replied' Gin a body meet a body coming through the rye"Even more puzzled, the VIP spoke to a third patient and asked the same question,The patient replied, " My love is a red, red rose that's newly sprung in June!"Now completely baffled, the VIP addressed the ward sister.' Tell me, is this the psychiatric unit?""No" replied the nurse, 'this is the Burns unit".
A golfer was having a terrible round. At every tee he hooked or sliced into the rough, He often found his ball behind a tree, and he managed to find every bunker, His caddie began to get a bit restive, thinking of his next customer and began to check the time.After a while, the golfer said "Caddie, it would help if you didn't keep looking at your watch" "it isn't a watch," replied the caddie" It's a compass!"
I looked at my bus pass the other day. Next to my name and photograph , it said " Expiry date 17 October 'Should I book the Rector and the Choir.