The Chaplaincy Joke Book


My wife has been doing some planting in the potager and needed rain. When we got up this morning there was some sun, so after breakfast I decided to go for a walk before the forecast rain. I got about a quarter of the way round when it started to rain. Anyway it was time for the jeans I was wearing to go in the wash. So Ladies, if you feel the garden needs rain, send your husband out for a walk.


I was thinking this would have to be the last edition as the supply of jokes had dried up. But Paddy Wright and Clive Billiness have sent me lots. But don't let that stop you sending yours in to nick@rigby-jones.net . Visual ones would be appreciated as well.


As usual there are some slides above and written jokes below.


Some Be-attitudes

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves; they will have endless amusement.

Blessed are those who can tell a mountain from a molehilll. they will be spared a lot of trouble

Blessed are those who can go to bed and fall asleep without looking for excuses; they will become wise

Blessed are those who know when to shut up and listen; they will learn new things thereby.

Blessed are those who are intelligent enough not to take themselves seriously; they will be appreciated by those around them.

Blessed are those who are attentive to the call of others without thinking themselves indispensable; they will be sowers of joy.

Happy are you if you know how to take small things seriously and large things peacefully; you will go far in life.

Happy are you if you can admire a smile and forget a frown; your path will be sunlit.Happy are you if you can keep quiet and smile, even when someone cuts you off in mid-sentence, when someone contradicts you when someone treads on your toes; the Gospel is beginning to penetrate your heart.

Blessed above all are you if you can. recognize the lord in everyone you meet; you have the true light and true wisdom


Extracts from genuine letters addressed to the pension office.

I cannot get sick pay. I have 6 children. Please tell me why this is.

Mrs. B has no clothes, and has had none for a year. The clergy has been visiting her.

In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your Officers without results.

Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children, one of which is a mistake as you will see.

Unless I get my husband's money I shall be forced to lead an immortal life.

I am writing these lines for Mrs. B who cannot write herself. She expects to be confined next week and can do with it.

I am sending my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had 7 and one died which was baptised on half a sheet of notepaper by Rev. T.

Please find out if my husband is dead, as the man I am now living with won't eat or do anything until he is sure.

In answer to your question I have given birth to a boy weighing ten lbs.

You have changed my boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference?

Please send money as I have fallen into errors with my landlord.

I have no children as my husband is a bus driver and works all day and night.

In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want money as quick as you can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for a week and he doesn't seem to be doing me any good. If things do not improve I shall have to get another Dr.

Milk is wanted for baby and father is unable to supply it.

Re your dentist enquiry, the teeth at the top are all right, but the ones in my bottom are hurting me terribly.


Ollie the Oyster and Sam the Clam were best friends. When the tide was high, they would swim together, and when it was low, they would sunbathe together on the rocks. One day, sadly, Ollie died and went to heaven, where he was given his cloud and his harp by St. Peter. All was fine for a few months, but then he received word that his old friend was having a big birthday party and could Ollie get permission to go.

Ollie went to see St. Peter, who replied, "Well it's a bit unusual, but 0K as long as you are back by midnight and take care of your harp."Well it was a very good party, and Ollie didn't get back until 3 am, where he found a very cross St. Peter.

"What time do you call this? " said St. Peter" I am very sorry " said Ollie

"Do this again" said St Peter " and your future here will be a matter of some concern"

"I am very sorry" repeated Ollie. "And another thing" said St Peter " Where is your harp?"

"Oh dear" said Ollie "I must have left it at the party" Or in the words of the song:

I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco.


Johnny aged 10 asked his mother , "Mum, how did the human race evolve?""Well" said his mother, "First of all there was Adam and Eve and they had children, and then their children has children, and so on until all the world was populated"

Johnny seemed unimpressed with this answer so he asked his Dad the same question."Well " said his Dad, "First of all there were single cell organisms, then these developed into sea creatures, and these came out onto the land and developed into creatures like monkeys".

Johnny returned to his mum, " Mum you lied to me" and told his mum what his dad had said.

"I didn't lie " said his mum. "Your dad was talking about his side of the family".


Ladies : Don't forget the Jumble Sale on Thursday, It's a good chance to get rid of all those unwanted things about the house. Bring your husbands !


Unusual celebrity sibling names

Tom Cruise and his brother Caribbean

Halle Berry and her sister Rasp

Jack Lemon and his brother Sherbet

Brad Pitt and his brother Cess

Dua Lipa and her sister Thicka

Cary Grant and his brother Council

Eric Idle and his brother Bone

Dennis Hopper and his brother Space

Jack Palance and his brother Potted

Donald Trump and his brother Noah

Mr & Mrs Wallcarpeting and their son Walter


Tripped and hit my head on a snare drum.Now I think I have a percussion.


BREAKING NEWS:

A thief has removed all motorway signs in Yorkshire..Police are currently looking for Leeds.


What do you call a rabbit anesthesiologist? The Ether Bunny!


I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A customer asked me to check their balance, so I pushed them over.


The confinement is starting to bite:

Just been told that my job as a lumberjack has been axed.

My submarine business has gone under.

I used to be a postman but I’ve been given the sack.

I dropped a copy of Oliver Twist on my big toe. It hurts like the dickens....



What does a buffalo say when his son leaves home? 'Bison'.


Where did Noah keep his bees? In the Ark hives


Somedody once said:

Some people are born with greatness,

Some people achieve greatness,

And some people have greatness thrust upon them...

Like Dolly Parton's husband.

Anglican Chaplaincy of Midi-Pyrénées & Aude

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info@churchinmidipa.com

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